Make You Feel My Love
by captndevil
Summary: Emma Swan and Killian Jones have been roommates ever since their not so cute meeting. However, when Killian gets back with his ex-girlfriend, it raises some feelings in Emma, which she has pushed down deep for years. Will she confront her own fears and him, or will Killian beat her to the punch, and what will he have to say to his best friend? Roommates AU.
1. hold me in your arms

**_Hey, guys! I know I have a million multi chapters going at the moment, but here I am with another one. On the bright side, I have almost ten chapters written for this one, which will be updated at least once a week, maybe more. This once was supposed to be for the cs big bang, but I've just not had enough time, with a family death, exams, and being very ill recently, so here we go._**

 ** _I hope you like it, uploading especially for cs au week: day four (complete au)._**

 ** _\- Shauna! xo_**

* * *

 _The first time they meet is colourful, to say the least, but it's the one time that Killian Jones learns how badass his Emma Swan is and it's one of the things he likes most about her._

 _It was when his mate, Will, had got mixed up with some not so great people and being the nice friend he was aspiring to be, he had offered his services to help. Whatever it took to get him away from those wankers. He'd agreed to meet them, under Will's name and honestly, he can't even remember what the initial plan was anymore but what he does remember is being arrested by nobody other than Miss Emma Swan herself._

 _The rest of them took off when they saw the blonde in the bright red leather jacket but Killian being completely oblivious, just started. God, she was beautiful, and his mouth parted to say something, anything, but she had him pinned against the wall with his hands restrained behind his back before he could even utter a word._

 _"Save it, buddy," she told him, her tone dark. "I'm sure the police will give you plenty of time to talk tonight."_

 _Police?_

 _"Woah, lass-"_

 _She doesn't let him finish, the fiery blonde, as she turns him around, a hand on his shoulder as she glares._

 _"Not a word."_

 _"But-"_

 _"I've had a very bad day, buddy. I would not push your luck," she practically snarls._

 _But, because he's Killian Jones, he still can't help himself, even if he's in cuffs._

 _"Stressed, love? Because I would be more than happy to lend out my services," he even winked, leaning towards her._

 _Her glare never falters._

 _"You're unbelievable."_

 _"To you?" He grins. "Yes, I would be. Absolutely."_

 _She rolls her eyes._

 _"Okay, I've had enough. Come on. Time for custody for you, love," she mocks, her tongue curling around the word, sarcastically._

 _Say what you want about Emma Swan, but he wouldn't die that she was efficient as she had him in her yellow bug not two minutes later and when he commented on her particular choice of vehicle, she just glared._

 _"Quite the vessel you're guarding here, oh mysterious one who shall not be named," he grins, from the back._

 _(She'd denied him her name, not a minute before, merely pressed harder on the gas.)_

 _"How about we just have some peace and quiet, hm?"_

 _It wasn't really a request though, he knew that, but still, his mouth parted._

 _"Or I can gag you."_

 _He smirked._

 _"Into that? I suppose I could be convinced..."_

 _She groans and he feels the car as her foot slams to the floor and he twists around to check in the front._

 _"Speeding?" he asks. "Bad form for a police officer, love."_

 _"Not your love," she grumbles, hands tightening around the steering wheel. "And not a police officer."_

 _"Then what are you?" he asks._

 _He watches her roll her eyes through the mirror._

 _"None of your business, criminal."_

 _He decides not to correct her._

 _"Come now, love," he emphasises the nickname, purposefully. "I can't know who my kidnapper is?"_

 _She snorts._

 _"Hardly kidnapping you, buddy. Maybe you shouldn't have avoided the law."_ _A beat, and then, "Bailbonds."_

 _He sighs, "Ah. Makes sense."_

 _"Oh?" she raises an eyebrow._

 _He shrugs with a grin, "Thought you pretty bad ass."_

 _She looks shocked but doesn't let it rattle her._

 _"Compliments won't get you anywhere at this point," she tells him, truthfully._

 _"But, what if it's the truth?" he shoots her a toothless grin. "Besides, I'd love to take you out for a drink sometime."_

 _She rolls her eyes, "You're lucky if you'll ever get out of prison. I doubt that will happen."_

 _"We'll see."_

 _She doesn't dignify that with a response._

 _When she gets him to the station, all it takes is one look from the woman at reception to shrug and then her lips twist up._

 _"No," the brunette says._

 _Emma's eyes widen, "What do you mean no?"_

 _She merely shrugs again._

 _"Afraid you've got the wrong man, sweetheart," Killian pipes up instead with a grin._

 _She glares and points a sharp finger at him._

 _"Quiet, you."_

 _She looks at the lady (Elena, he learns her name is later), who merely repeats what Killian says, shooting Emma an incredulous look._

 _"You've got the wrong guy."_

 _Emma growls, teeth bared, "That's not possible."  
_

 _She shrugs, "Afraid it is."_

 _An image is passed over the desk and Killian gulps as he catches a look at it. Will. They're all looking for Will._

 _He keeps a peaceful smile on his face when Emma turns to look at him, her hands working to undo him from the cuffs frantically with a loud sigh. He sighs, himself, in relief, when she takes the silver cuffs away, his hands rubbing over his wrists._

 _"And you couldn't have said you were innocent?" she demands._

 _He shrugs, a charming look gracing his features._

 _"Maybe I wanted to spend time with you."_

 _She glares, but he catches Elena's grin at the exchange, at the way she rebuffs him._

 _He sighs, dramatically, holding a hand out for her to shake._

 _"Killian Jones," he grins. "Not a criminal. And you are?" his voice raises._

 _A beat passes until it becomes clear she's not going to answer, arms crossing over her chest with a huff._

 _"Emma," a voice pipes up from the desk with a grin on her face. "Her name is Emma."_

 _Emma, as it turns out, just glares, eyes flitting between him and Elena._

 _"Emma," he sighs, hand reaching out for hers and pulling it upwards until he can press a chaste kiss to her knuckles and grinning when her cheeks seem to burn. "Such a lovely name for a lovely lass."_

 _She seems to realises what she's done and lets her arms drop, hanging loosely by her sides._

 _"Right, yeah," she flips her hair. "You're free to go now."_

 _His smile doesn't falter._

 _"Afraid not, love. I've still got to take you out on that drink I was promised."_

 _Her voice is exasperated when she speaks again._

 _"Seriously?"_

 _And he's convinced he's been half in love with her since that moment as she stormed past him until she was lingering back in the doorway, throwing a glare in his direction._

 _"Well?" she gestured with her hands. "Are you coming?"_

 _He chased after her._

 _(As he always will.)_

 _"With pleasure."_

 _She groaned at the innuendo as he placed a hand on her back which she merely shook off._

 _"Boundaries, buddy," she reminded him._

 _He shrugged, "I've never been one for rules."_

 _"Clearly," she muttered._

 _"So," he starts, as they walk outside, strolling slowly. "Does Miss Emma have a last name?"_

 _He watches her clearly debate with herself before she sighs, relenting up._

 _"Swan," she tells him. "Emma, Swan."_

 _"Swan," he muses. "It suits you."_

 _And the story of how they become roommates, is another great one, which coincidently happened not three months later, but that, is one for another time._

-/-

He always worries, increasingly so, when she works or what Emma calls working (he likes to call it bad form on their parts for skipping town and leaving their families, worried and vulnerable - he knew that feeling all too well). They're days when he worries more than others.

Take today, for example.

Emma had been offered a lot more than usual to take down her present target, that much he knew, which meant that he was incredibly dangerous and kickass saviour (what he liked to call her and smirk at the resulting eye roll he got) or not, she was still very breakable in the eyes of a jail jumping criminal.

So, when it gets to 2 am and he's heard nothing from her, his eyes are wide and imploring as they stare back at the television screen, seeing nothing with his blurry vision.

It either meant that it was going really well and he hadn't suspected anything, he'd left or she was hurt and because she was Emma Swan, it most likely the last one. She was beyond reckless when she gets into the game and they both know it.

He's told her multiple times that it will get her killed.

So, by the time he gets a phone call at five minutes past two, he's beyond worked himself up into a frenzy.

"Is this Mr Killian Jones?"

His hands are cold, practically shaking as he clutches the phone close to his ear and really, he's not even sure he manages to utter out a "Yes".

"We have a Miss Swan here," the woman on the phone continues, voice robotic.

He grits his teeth, jaw clenching as his forcibly loosens his fingers around the telephone and there's a million thoughts running around in his mind.

 _What happened?_

 _Is she breathing?_

 _Is she okay?_

 _Is she_...

"And you're down as an emergency contact."

He startles slightly at the information.

Him?

But why- since when?

He hears a cough and realises that he must haven't responded so he asks the one question he is so desperate to have the answer to.

"Is she okay?" his voice is hesitant like he can't handle the answer but, honestly, he probably can't.

She was okay. She had to be.

He hears a light sigh.

"Miss Swan will be fine," the voice says firmly. "A few broken ribs and some cuts but she should be up on her feet in no time. Up to chasing bad guys tomorrow if it was up to her, I presume."

There's a small laugh that Killian tries to echo but it gets stuck in his throat, the feeling of relief overwhelming him and it takes a few moments before he can speak.

"Tell her I'll be there as soon as possible."

When the nurse speaks again, he swears he can detect a smile in her voice.

"Of course, Mr Jones. Come straight to the reception," she instructs.

He's still breathless, thoughts running quicker than he can catch up even as he jogs to the car, hesitating before collecting a few of Emma's belongings. If knows her and he rightly does, he'd be willing to bet his soul that she'd have blood covering her from tip to toe and despite her insistence that his fashion sense was moot, she'd need a change of clothes and better these, than nothing.

His hands are still shaking, vibrating around the gears as he puts his foot down to the floor, teeth gritting as he prepares himself to break every law known to get there as quick as possible to be there. To be there with her, for her.

Because he loves her.

Even if she doesn't love him.

* * *

 ** _So what do you think?_**

 ** _Love it? Hate it? What's your favourite part?_**

 ** _Let me know in a review or feel free to drop by my tumblr, captnklaroline!_**


	2. i need you, when everything's wrong

**hey, everyone! first of all,** **thank you for all the comments,** **follows, favourites, and whatever else you have done. I** **am completely blown away by the response to this one, and I'm so happy you are all enjoying it so much.**

 **I had planned to update it sometime next week, but I thought I'd give you a second chapter early, since it is cs au week, even if it doesn't really fit in with the theme. I hope you all like this one, and feel free to drop me a line on tumblr, captnklaroline.**

 **\- shauna!xo**

* * *

Emma Swan hates hospitals with every fibre of her being. Always has and always will. Probably something to do with being dumped at one when she was barely two days old. But, it's the one thing about her that's never changed.

So, when she startles awake, eyes blinking open at the white ceiling and bright lights as her mouth parts on a painful gasp and she catches sight of the horrible, icky, hospital scrubs that she's been dressed in one too many times, Emma could quite literally scream. If she could feel like she could speak that is, because her throat feels scorching.

She tries to twist her head, tries to sit up but finds that hurts too and she's stopped with two firm hands pressing lightly on her shoulders.

"Stay put," the deep voice says and between the haze she's in, she vaguely recalls it as Doctor Smith.

Honestly, he's lucky she can't speak properly, her mouth ridiculously dry or she would be screaming.

Did she mention how much she hates him? Honestly, how he got a job as a doctor is beneath her. But then again, that could just be her bias towards hospitals clouding her vision.

His head is bent over her with what Emma presumes he thinks is a comforting smile before a nurse comes scrambling in the room, a glass in her hand. A straw is pressed to her lips and she sucks eagerly. She shrinks back at the slurping noises but gives a weak sigh when it's pulled away from her.

The doctor is stood in front of her, eyebrows raised.

"Better?"

"Quite."

Her voice is hoarse and she winces at how week she sounds and feels. Her bones ache and honestly, she has no doubt she can move.

"Seems you have a few broken ribs," Doctor Smith starts and really, she can tell that from the pain it causes her to breathe, the excruciating feeling of her stomach as she sighs. "They'll take a little while to heal. Three to six weeks and there isn't really much we can do to aid them." he pauses as she grins down at her, "But then again, I don't need to tell you that do I, Miss Swan?"

She rolls her eyes. The only movement that doesn't hurt, really.

"No," she mutters petulantly.

Looks like she'll be stoked up on painkillers for the foreseeable future.

"Also," he starts up again as he moves, "You have quite the number of cuts and bruises, both of which will also heal naturally with time but, of course, we can prescribe you something for the pain."

His eyes flash to hers, fluttering over her and she blinks rapidly as he suddenly shines a bright light in her eye.

"What the hell?" she splutters.

"Your vitals are good," he tells her, ignoring the comment. "No signs of any head trauma. That's good, considering the way you fell. You must have taken quite the tumble."

Her eyebrows scrunch together slightly as she tries - tries being the operative word - to recall the details of that night. She fell? Most likely she was pushed. But not precisely, her first time being in hospital this beat up so she'd get over it. Especially when she caught the guy that had put her in it. Maybe a punch or two to his own head would serve him right.

How long did she have to stay in this place again? Honestly, she just wanted to go home as strange as a concept as that is, she wants nothing more than her own bed.

She catches sight of the IV drip as she glances around the room and she groans internally. Twenty three years old and she'd still never get use to the feeling of needles.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Fine." She grits her teeth.

He shoots her a disbelieving look.

"If I asked you to rate the pain on a scale for one to ten with ten being the worse, what would your answer be?" he asks her pointedly.

She makes a show of thinking about it.

"3?"

He snorts in reply and really, it's probably a testament of how often she visits this place before he sighs again.

"A fighter as always," he comments and she ignore him, lips pressed together before she hisses.

The doctor's eyes raise in question.

"I'll collect the nurse with something for the pain then, shall I?"

She doesn't have time to answer before he's dashing out of the room and she snorts, the sound so quiet that she can barely hear it herself.

Emma really hopes she doesn't have to stay overnight but really, with the blood loss, she knows she's not going anywhere any time soon.

"Oh," she suddenly hears and her eyes struggle to find the source of the noise when she realises that the doctor never left the room. "I forgot to mention it earlier," he says, "But Judy-" who Emma assumes is the nurse, "called your emergency contact earlier. He should be here any minute."

And she knows who her emergency contact is, boy does she.

She remember changing it, not having one previously, to the man she currently shares a house with. Her best friend, in many aspects.

"Killian," she groans.

"You called."

Her head snaps up, despite the pain and she bites back an anguished cry as she sees the visitor.

"Killian," she realises.

He sighs, eyes sharp on her.

"You certainly know how to kill a man, love," he comments though she hears the tightness in his voice, the way his lips press tightly together as he stares at her with concern swirling around in his stormy, blue eyes.

"My life goal," she tells him with a grin and a wink which then results in a coughing fit which puts a painful pressure on her ribs that has her actually crying out loud this time, her fingernails digging into the bedding beneath her.

She vaguely hears the name of a doctor being called through the painful haze and she feels Killian's reassuring hands smoothing over her right shoulder lightly followed by his light voice as a few members of staff come running in.

"It'll be alright, Swan," he's telling her as she scrunches her face up, eyes closing as her fingers fight to grip something. "You're gonna be just fine."

Emma's not quite sure who he's trying to convince. Her or himself.

But, she appreciates the sentiment all the same.

So, when she finally feels her eyelids drooping, her breathing evening out she knows what's happening. She's been through this one too many times.

The last thing she sees before she finally lets the darkness take her, her eyes opening with pain reflecting through them is Killian's blue eyes, staring back at her as his thumb rubs over her knuckles, his jaw clenched and she knows he realises the panic that's overcoming her.

"Don't worry," he tells her and this time she knows it's done with the sole purpose of reassuring her. "Just go to sleep, Swan. I'll still be here when you wake up. I'm not going anywhere, I promise," he swears.

So, she does, his name a sigh on her lips as her fingers loosen around his, her hand dropping to the bed as she sinks into the hospital bed.

-/-

He's also the first thing she sees when she wakes, her eyes fluttering open as her eyebrows draw together, taking in the room around her. It takes her several moments to realise she's in the hospital and that she probably will be for the next few hours at least.

She gasps when she wakes, though, she really should be use to the grogginess of waking up on drugs that strong. Maybe, she'd never get used to it.

It takes her a few moments to gather her breath as she vaguely recalls the bad dream she was having. She swore it was a side effect of what they give her. She shakes her head slightly with a grimace but is pleased to note that the movement doesn't hurt quite as much as it did previously.

Her eyes trace over Killian's features, a small smile pulling up at her lips at his form draped over the hospital bed. His arm was propped up on his elbow, head resting slightly to the right as he snored lightly, his mouth parting ever so slightly and his eyes drooped closed, lids fluttering slowly.

She's tempted to reach out to him, wake him, but he looks so peaceful and she assumes he hasn't left her side since she was last awake. He was stubborn like that. They both were.

Honestly, she's quite sure she could fall back to sleep herself, the effects of the drugs not lost on her until she hears heavy footsteps.

"Oh," the nurse says, suddenly stopping, a slightly puzzled look overtaking her features. "You're awake."

Emma nods slightly, an eyebrow raised.

The brunette shakes her head lightly, a chuckle on her lips.

"Never mind," she says quietly, her eyes flickering to Killian and Emma bites back at how obvious the young nurse was being.

They could be together for all she knew!

"Are you in any pain?" she asks, quietly, her eyes flickering back to the patient as she walks in.

Emma rolls her eyes sighing.

"No."

Her voice is still raspy from sleep and she sounds so weak that it makes herself cringe.

The nurse - Janet, Emma thinks, also sighs in response.

"Not at all?"

"Nope," Emma pops her lips, eyes narrowing.

The nurse seems to hesitate slightly in the doorway and Emma watches once again as her eyes land on Killian and honestly, Emma's about to bite her head off. In hospital or not. Not that she had any claim over Killian. He could do whatever the hell he wants.

"He never leaves, you know," she, the nurse, says slowly.

Emma is actually flabbergasted.

"What?"

She nods her head towards him.

"He must care about you," she continues, her voice soft as her eyes land back on Emma's.

Emma's lips actually twist up into a smile at the comment.

"I guess he does," Emma responds, her voice careful.

The nurse's lips twist up, almost knowingly.

"And you for him, I presume?"

Emma's eyes flash open at the question, somewhat rhetorical because it must be obvious. Of course she does. He's her friend, probably one of the only ones she's ever had and she's so grateful for his presence in her life, whether she shows it or not.

"Something like that," Emma smiles at his form, his eyes still fluttering as he dreams.

She hears another quiet laugh and her eyes flash back over to the nurse, a blush staining her cheeks as she realises how obvious she must have been.

"Would you like anything?" she asks.

"I suppose a coffee would be too much to ask for?"

Emma's not too hopeful but really, she'd kill for a cup right now.

The nurse laughs, shaking her head.

"How about I bring you some water?"

Emma sighs and rolls her eyes dramatically.

"That will do, I suppose," she grumbles, voice unusually quiet.

The nurse's head gestures towards Killian, "Anything else?"

Emma thinks for a second before nodding.

"Coffee for him and a sandwich, please? He'll eat just about anything and I'm sure he hasn't eaten yet," she finishes, thoughtfully. "And I'm sure he'll have some change on him. He never has been one for credit cards."

The nurse shakes her head, her pen clicking on the board she picked up from the bottom of the hospital bed.

"Don't worry about it," she tells the blonde, smiling slightly. "Give me ten minutes and I'll be back."

Emma's eyes soften slightly.

"Thank you."

A nod is the reply she receives before the nurse promptly walks out the door.

Emma's head tips to the side slightly as she contemplates waking Killian up but decides against it, once more. She's sure she could when his food got here, along with her water.

His breathing alters and Emma freezes as she realises he's waking before it evens out again, a light sigh on his lips.

"Emma," he mumbles and she's sure he's awake before she hears a light snore.

She smiles, eyes soft, and her fingers fidget as she reaches for his hand, needing the contact to realise that he was here with her and she was going to be okay. Always, if he'd be here every step of the way.

Because she needs him.

Always.

And maybe, just maybe, he needs her too.

(Or, at least she can hope.)

* * *

 **Thoughts?**

 **Did you love it? Hate it?**

 **What was your favourite part, or did you have a favourite line?**

 **Let me know in a review, I'd love to hear from you!**


	3. nothing stops the madness, or does it?

**Again, thank you all for the comments, reviews, and reblogs and likes (on tumblr) and in the spirit of ending cs au week on a positive note, here is the third chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it. Some more CS in this one, compared to the chapter before.**

 **Just a slight warning for some upcoming angst, in case that isn't your thing. Also, there is some mentions of abuse (not between Emma and Killian, though).This chapter is mainly fluffy, however, apart from some avoidance on one of their parts. I'm sure you can guess who.**

 **\- Shauna!xo**

* * *

Emma's finally let out of the hospital the next day which in reality, is only a few hours later so she's content enough.

Killian's as protective as he always is when she hurts herself on the job, his hand firm on her back as he guides her slowly out the hospital, freezing when she winces, her eyes widening as she grits her teeth, forcing her feet forward.

She'd been through this enough times already. So, really, she should be fine. More than fine.

But apparently, no matter how many times you broke or fractured your ribs, you still didn't get use to the pain that came with it.

And Killian, bless his heart, is as kind and sweet as ever, and honestly, he's too good and she really shouldn't deserve him. But, he stays. He always has and she's so thankful for that, for the constant he brings in her life, that he honestly has no idea.

When they finally release her, he's more gentle than she's ever seen him, arm soft around her back as though she'd break at any moment and though she grits her teeth in annoyance, her heart also swells at the gesture.

It takes them longer than it would normally to get to the car, but he doesn't rush her, seemingly patient as he helps her buckle in, a mocking look on his face.

"Safety first, Swan," he tells her, his tone firm when she tries to do without the seat belt.

"But-"

"No arguing," he admonishes.

She rolls her eyes and an "Aye, aye, captain," is muttered to his retreating back as he jogs around to the drivers seat.

He narrows his eyes when he gets in.

"I heard that," he says.

She grins, her tongue flicking against her front teeth.

"You were supposed to," she sing songs.

His eyes roll (honestly, a trait he'd probably picked up from her) as he starts the engine, his hand tightening over the gear stick as he reverses out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

"You're awfully upbeat for someone who just got out of the hospital," he comments.

She goes to shrug but decides against it, half way through when she grimaces at the pressure it puts on her ribs.

"A few days off work is enough to raise anyone's spirits," she tells him as though the answer should be obvious.

He snorts in reply.

"You?" he questions, eyes flicking to hers before concentrating back on the road. "Happy about a day off work? My, my, Swan, those painkillers must be working marvellously for you to say that. In fact, are you sure you've not undergone a personality transplant?"

She glares, her hand moving to slap against his shoulder, lightly.

"People can change, Jones," she says, tone light.

His eyebrows scrunch together as he focuses a little too much on the road and she knows he wants to look at her when he speaks.

"People? Yeah. You? Not so much."

"Are you saying I'm not people?"

He grins at her false, shocked tone, a boyish thing that has her own lips curving upwards into a smile.

"Not at all, Swan. Just that... you're rather stuck in your ways, just a little bit," he comments.

Her smile turns soft at his words, the realisation that no one knows her better than he does and there's a tension in the air, suddenly, that wasn't there before, and she just has to break it.

"Or maybe, I'm just looking forward to you doting on me," she smirks.

He sighs, face mocking as his eyes flicker to hers once more, briefly.

"I knew you gave into those pills all too quickly."

"You know me all too well," she teases.

He grins right back.

"That I do, Swan."

 **-/-**

 _She knows she's dreaming the moment her eyes flutter closed but it doesn't change anything. She still wants to scream, it's on her lips, practically waiting to come bursting out but she can't. She feels as though she's paralysed, as though there's a weight pressing down on her to stop her from moving, shouting for help, from doing anything._

 _Her eyes are open but she doesn't see anything._

 _It's as though she's utterly consumed by the darkness. And it's horrifying. She's never felt anything like it._

 _She feels like she's dying, like she's being burned from the inside out._

 _There's a body pressing her into the ground, a snarl that sounds more animalistic than it does human but she can't see, can only lay still as someone or something tries to kill her, bruises over her skin and cutting into her soft skin, creating blood stains along the floor._

 _She hears a growl, followed by a muttered, "Bitch."_

 _Then, she can finally see, and she's beyond shocked at the face she finds staring down at her._

 _"Neal?"_

 _Her tone is raspy, the result of her continued beating._

 _His mouth parts as he growls, a deep animalistic sound that has her cowering in fear._

 _"This is your fault," he tells her, "It's your fault I'm doing this."_

 _She's confused, and her eyes seem to widen, as she tries to make sense of his words, of the sudden twist of the world around her, because what the hell is happening?_

 _Her lips part, but she can't speak, and when she looks up, there's a heal digging into her throat, that surely can't belong to Neal. She looks up, and she sees a flash of dark hair, though the face is blurry, and she tries to swallow, gulp in fear, but she finds she can't, at the sharp pressure on her throat._

 _She's paralysed, as though she can't move. Whether from fear, or pain, she's not sure._

 _She hears a cough, and a rough, callous hand is raking through her blonde curls, and her head is yanked to the side, until she can face the person aggressively manoeuvring her._

 _It's Neal._

 _His eyes are as brown as ever, though there's a certain darkness there that she's never seen before, not even when they'd fought._

 _There's a sadistic smile on his lips, as he bends down to the ground, where she helplessly lay._

 _"This is your fault," he repeats once more. "I just want you to remember that. It's always been your fault. Because you'll never be good enough. Not for me, and certainly not for him. Not that I care about that bit."_

 _She ignores him as he goes ranting off, but she's more than confused now. However, there's also a feeling of dread, that echoes throughout her entire being, and she doesn't like it. Not one bit. And that feeling is confirmed, when the pressure is released from her throat. But, she wishes it hadn't._

 _She hears a painful groan from somewhere beside her and she barely finds the energy to twist her head, the feeling of being faint rushing through her at the blood loss but she swears her heart stops in her chest when she does._

 _His there, beaten and bloody, and unsurprisingly, that hurts than any more physical pain she could get._

 _She barely finds her voice to speak, to come to the realisation of who is next to her, just as helpless as she is._

 _"Killlian?"_

And that's when she wakes.

She wakes with such a start, that it has her gasping and coughing as she grasps her torso in agony, feeling as though she's been ripped apart. Though, she's not sure if that's just the aftermath of her dream, nightmare might be more accurate.

He's there, however, his face hovering over hers immediately, concern written all over his features.

"Killian?" she gasps.

"Hey, hey, hey," he immediately goes to her, making soft soothing noises as he wraps his arms around her, looking at a complete loss. "It's okay. Shh, I'm here. You're okay, I promise. It's all going to be alright."

Her hands fumble for him, until she can feel him, feel his skin under her hands and his cheeks, flushed and more importantly, alive.

He was okay.

She didn't even realise she was sobbing until he tries comforting her. He pulls her onto his lap, shuffling into the middle of the bed more, until her head is pressed into his neck and one of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other is pressing on her back, lightly.

"Emma," he pleads. "It's okay, love," he tells her, concern reflecting through his tone. "You're going to be okay. It was just a dream, just a bad dream."

She tries to believe him, tries to take in his words, but all it does is makes her cry harder and she doesn't know where it's all coming from. All, she knows is that she needs him, needs to feel him, healthy and breathing. The desperation running through her veins makes her hands frantic as they move over him, caressing his cheeks and then her thumb rubbing over his lip and over his arms, reacquainting herself with him.

"You're okay," she sighs with relief through her sobs, her voice stuttering. "You're okay."

"Aye, love," he returns. "And I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, I swear on it."

She's never felt more lucky to have him in her life as her breathing finally returns to normal, her hands fisted in his dark t-shirt as she wills her eyes to close, breathing in the scent of him.

He doesn't ask, when she finally looks at him. He never does, never pushes her, merely waits for her to come to grips with it herself and let her know, he's available whenever she's ready, for anything.

He smiles, a small one that's full of relief.

Somewhere in between, she vaguely remembers falling asleep in the car, if one could even call it that, her head lolling against the window as exhaustion overtook. She assumes Killian had brought her in the house, and tucked her in, if she knows him well enough, the cover pressed tightly to her. She lets her lips twist up into a slightly cautious but genuine smile.

"Hungry?" he asks, lightly. "There's some bacon in the fridge, I could-"

"No," she cuts in suddenly, her hands clenching around him once more. "No," she repeats, shaking her head. "Let's just stay here for a little while."

A flash of understanding flashes through his eyes and he nods.

"As you wish, love," he smiles.

She rolls her eyes but actually manages a genuine smile.

"We could watch a movie?" she bites her lip.

"Which one?" he asks politely, his hands tightening around her waist as he rolls her around, lightly, and careful not to jolts her ribs as he settles her back on the bed, joining her as he kicks his shoes off with a smile as his hand settles on her hip.

She looks at him with false innocence, eyes wide.

"What else?"

He groans.

"Of course."

"It's a good movie," she insists.

"I'm sure, Swan," he sighs as he gets up and she tries to stop the bubble of hysteria as he moves out of her reach until he can get the remote and pass it to her. "But after the first thousand times we've watched this film, I've become immune to the joys it."

She rolls her eyes.

"You never get over this film. It's the best," she insists.

He grins softly, but she sees the concern in his eyes as he looks down at her, shifting as he settles on the bed and his arm reaches over to rest behind her.

"Whatever you say, love."

She hums as the credits roll up.

The Princess Bride.

Killian sighs dramatically and she hushes him with a glare.

He shoots her an incredulous look.

"With the amount of times you've seen this one, I'm quite sure you could come in for the last twenty minutes and still recite it word for word."

She still glares until he places his hands in front of him in surrender as his lips twitch. Emma smiles happily when he merely twists his head to stare at the television screen, and she shuffles forward until she's pressed against his side and his arm comes to wrap around her and it's nice, the soft contact, to feel him against her and know he's okay.

(She doesn't know if she'd ever be able to live without him.)

(She'd never have to, she'd ensure it.)

"You're lucky I like you this much," he comments, his tone light but the words holding so much weight.

"Please," she scoffs, rolling her eyes. "You love this movie, really."

He makes a sound in the back of his throat in disagreement.

"That's debatable, love," he tells her, eyes narrowed.

"Is it?" she grins.

His eyes are soft when she twists her head to stare up at him, her hand resting on his chest and fingers curling into his dark clothing.

"Maybe it just reminds me of you," he says, slowly.

Her eyes widen at the comment, shock reflecting in her eyes and she gulps as her eyes flicker back to the television screen and this time, they don't look back. She focuses a little bit too hard on the opening scene, though, she isn't really looking and she feels him staring at her, burning a whole into the side of her head even though she doesn't look up.

"It's starting," she comments, lowly.

"Aye," he agrees. "I guess it is."

(She hates herself, just a little bit, at her cowardly nature but she can't help it.)

(Things can't get too serious between them - she can't allow herself to go there because she knows she'd just screw it all up and she can't risk that.)

(She can't risk them, risk losing him, because she needed him, so much.)

* * *

 **So, thoughts? Feelings?**

 **Did you have a favourite part or a favourite line?**

 **Let me know what you thought in a review! I'd love to hear from you.**


	4. i didn't know how to be in love

**hey guys. i did want to have this one up for yesterday but i had a super busy day since i'm moving soon. and then i have to repack because i start my first year of university in october, and i move in there on september 18th. anyways, i'm going to try to get updates every sunday now, since i want them to be quite regular.**

 **anyways, i hope you all like this one! also, i'm sorry for the upcoming angst. it doesn't last long though, i promise!**

 **\- shauna! xo**

* * *

When the movie finishes, her head is tucked into his neck and she's got an arm laid across his waist, her side pressed firmly into his. Her eyes are closed as she breathes heavily into the skin of his neck, though she's not asleep and her lips twitch when she hears him groan slightly in his sleep.

Her eyes flutter open to look at him and she catches his eyelids flashing behind his eyes, his lips parting slightly, and he looks so boyish like this, so calm and relaxed in a way she hasn't seen in a while, that it makes her own muscles relax.

She watches as he shuffles slightly in his sleep and his own arm, that is circled around her waist, tightens slightly (and boy, he's lucky that she feels so high on these pain meds right now, because otherwise, that might have been a tad painful).

Fractured ribs and all that.

Wasn't the greatest of situations.

She mulls of the two of them, of how far they'd come in such a short amount of time. She thinks of his time with Milah slightly, how they're relationship had changed slightly since the two of them had broke up, bordering on the edge of flirty here and now (but didn't Killian flirt with everybody?).

She thinks of how she'd dismissed him so easily earlier and she finds she doesn't really want to anymore. She's just tired, so tired. Of everything and everyone and maybe, just a small part of her doesn't want to be alone. Knowing that she has Killian and he's single.

It's better, knowing that he's not with anyone. But, she just tells herself it was Milah and how horrible she was, to everyone in general.

But, it still leaves a bitter taste in her mouth thinking of Killian with anyone else. Anyone that could take him away from her.

She watches, and listens as he snores lightly and her lips twist up as she remembers the conversation a few days ago when Killian had adamantly protested he didn't snore.

Didn't all men?

 _He's glaring down at her, his usually bright, blue eyes narrowed._

 _"I do not snore, Swan," he huffs._

 _She smirks, watches as he crosses his arms over his chest when he pouts._

 _God, he was such a drama queen sometimes._

 _Rolling her eyes, she turns her back to him and she's strolling off to the corner of her room so she could deposit her earrings on her desk (she never was one for the dressing table - honestly, she's not much the girly type)._

 _"Whatever you say, babe," she grins, knowing how much he hated the nickname._

 _It had all started a few months earlier when he and Milah were in their on-off-again casual, relationship. Honestly, she'd long since stopped trying to keep track with the two of them. It was seriously exhausting._

 _That, and she never really liked Emma. With her long, dark hair and her perfect skin, and her sharp eyes._

 _Well, no love lost there, either._

 _Emma didn't much like her either and quite frankly, all she did was make sure Emma didn't have much time with Killian when she knew that the two of them were only best friends. Friends, that's all they'd ever be._

 _She always made a show whenever Emma was around. Emma saw it, saw the way Milah smirked at her when her lips came down on Killian's, his lips moving against hers as her eyes remained open, focussed on her. Not that she ever said anything._

 _Emma, had merely snorted and rolled her eyes until Killian had pulled away, a slight blush on his cheeks as his hand came up to scratch that spot behind his ear and he took a step back from his girlfriend with what Emma assumed was a warning look on his face._

 _Milah rolled her eyes._

 _"Baby," she whined, her accent drawing the syllables out. "Come on, it's nothing she-" and Emma swears she isn't missing the way her tongue curls with disgust around her name, "hasn't seen before."_

 _Killian doesn't say anything, and Emma turns her head, eyes looking down at the paper beneath her though there's a fighting smirk on her lips._

 _Baby._

 _That, and she knows how much the nickname irritates him. He was seriously easy to wind up._

 _She never let him live it down after that._

 _So, when he stares down at her as he protests that he doesn't snore, she merely uses the name and he's almost growling softly._

 _"Swan," he whines._

 _She snorts._

 _"You're such a child sometimes, Jones," she comments. "But, yeah, you do snore, buddy. No denying it. I even have the proof on my phone."_

 _"You could have faked that," he sniffs, his head turning to the side._

 _She merely grins, head shaking as her bracelets also drop down onto the table._

 _And then, "I'm not a child!"_

 _When she turns around to him, his lips are pressed together and his leg is tapping a rhythm on the floor beneath him. His eyes are wide, like a child's before they throw a tantrum and his arms are crossed over his chest._

 _"Yeah," she rolls her eyes. "Sure you're not."_

 _She waits until he sighs dramatically, clearly giving up on the argument (and knowing he'd never win against her) until she adds, "Baby."_

 _She's still giggling at his indignant huff and retreating, heavy footsteps when she hears the door slam, followed by a mutter of, "That bloody woman."_

 _Yeah, she definitely loved riling him up._

 _Just a little._

She's lost in the memory, didn't realise her eyes had drooped closed again until she feels herself been shifted and they prise back open again to see Killian settling her back against the pillows with a crooked grin on his lips.

"Hello, love," he greets. "Good sleep?"

She merely grins.

"Not as good as yours if the snoring is anything to go by."

She receives a playful glare and a light tap to her nose which she shrugs at (thank god, that's getting less painful or maybe that's just the strong stuff the hospital has her on, god damn doctors) and her nose wrinkles in response, her eyes narrowing at him.

"Are you declaring war on me, Jones?" she asks, a teasing note to her voice.

He smirks.

"You would be at a disadvantage in your condition, love," he says slowly. "Would be bad form of me, that."

Her eyes narrow.

"That sounds an awful lot like a challenge."

His grin widens, "We'll just have to see in a few short weeks when you're back to your normal, functioning. Won't we, Swan?"

She merely sighs with a raised eyebrow.

"You're lucky it hurts me to move."

His smile falters and his eyes widen.

"Are you okay?" he demands quickly. "Do you need anything. I can get you-"

He trails off when he looks at her face, her lips pressed tightly together as she tries not to laugh and she watches as he tries to form his facial expression into a glare.

"You need to stop that," he warns.

She shrugs.

"You should know better than that by now," she grins. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I can't feel anything with these meds. Some good stuff."

His smirk is back in full force as he directs his baby blues onto her.

"And here I thought you'd be blabbering none sense, admit your fatal attraction to me and we'd be done with it."

She swears if she rolls her eyes anymore around this man, they'll stay that way.

"In your dreams, Jones."

He's off the bed before she can blink, his eyes sparkling.

"Oh, every night," he nods.

She snorts, "And they'll stay that way."

His eyebrows furrow, his hand laying on his chest as he looks back at her with mock hurt.

"Ouch!" he goes on dramatically. "That's painful, Swan. Bruising a man's ego like that? That's some bad form right there."

Oh, god. Him and his bad form.

"I'm sure your ego can take a blow or two," she tells him, dryly.

"I think yours could too," he tells her, nodding his head again. "Did anybody ever tell you, you can be quite cocky?"

She reaches for the pillow behind her, somewhat slowly, since moving still hurts, but he dodges, darting for the doorway when he sees her hands move.

"So violent, Swan!" he gasps.

She rolls her eyes, "You'll get over it."

She thinks he's gone but then there's an actual genuine smile when he pops his head back around the door frame.

"English breakfast for tea?"

She grins back, head cocking to the side as though the answer was obvious.

"Duh!"

(He did have his uses, after all, he was an insanely good cook, which made him an amazing roommate to have, at times, at least. He could be a pain in the ass sometimes.)

-/-

Killian calls up stairs sometime later, to tell her that dinner will be ready within the half hour and to ask if she'd need assistance getting down the stairs.

"I've managed a broken rib or two just fine on my own before," she'd reminded him. "I'll be down soon."

She hadn't even seen him but somehow she knew he was smiling as she'd walked down the stairs.

So, thirty minutes later she was gritting her teeth and cursing her independent need to do this for herself as she gripped tightly to the railing on the landing as she slowly made her way downstairs, the tips of her fingernails scraping against the wood.

(It probably takes her five minutes just to get down.)

She breathes slightly heavy as she leans against the side before continuing into the kitchen.

"Hey, Killian. Is it-"

She stops, dead in her tracks and her eyes widen as she looks in front of her.

Killian is there, alright, but his lips are engaged with another's and who else, but Milah Gold, herself.

Killian's blushing as he pulls back, his eyes wide as he tries to take a step back from the girl.

"Emma," he greets, quietly, and his hand comes up to scratch that spot behind his neck.

Milah, for her part, doesn't seem the least bit fazed as she steps forward, a malicious grin on her lips.

"Hello, Emma," she greets, her teeth shining in the light. "It's great," she emphasises the word too much and Emma knows sarcasm when she sees it, "to see you again. Still living with Killian, I see."

Emma's eyes narrow.

"Considering this is my apartment, yes."

Killian shuffles uncomfortably.

"I stopped by the store earlier," he starts. "We needed some tomatoes, and I bumped into Milah and we got talking."

Milah grins up at him, "As you do."

"So I invited her to dinner. Thought it would be a great opportunity for us to catch up."

Emma's eyes remained narrowed as Milah looks back at her, her eyes wide with false sympathy.

"I was sorry to hear about your... little accident," she settles on, leaving Emma to doubt her intentions to why she's here. She never did like the blonde. "I hope you're doing better."

Emma grits her teeth, lets out a tight, "Thanks."

Killian clears his throat, gestures to the table and shoots her a small smile.

"Why don't you take a seat at the table, Swan? It isn't good for you to be straining yourself so much, doctor's orders, and tea will be ready shortly."

Emma's lips are pressed tightly together as she shakes her head and takes a step back.

She wants to believe that she's not mad at Killian but she sort of is. Not for talking to a girl, for inviting her on... a date or whatever but for inviting Milah back when they'd talked about this, after they'd broken up the last time, because he knew how she felt where Milah was concerned. ssly.

All that she asked of him if he decided to get back with her was that she wouldn't have to deal with the girl. He'd known how she treated Emma, like something you get on the end of your shoe, and god, if she doesn't hate him a little bit right now.

(She tries to ignores the irritational feeling the coarses through her.)

( _He doesn't owe you anything_ , it says. _The two of you aren't anything._ )

That, and the feeling stirring in her gut feels an awful lot like the times she'd stand on the streets, outside a care home as another girl was given a family, a place to belong in the world with people who would love her.

(She decides to ignore that.)

"I'll pass," she says dryly, shooting an obvious look at Milah. "I'll leave you to catch up."

Milah's got a smirk on her lips, clearly happy to have caused some discomfort at the same time that Killian takes a step forward, a frown pulling at his lips.

"Swa-"

"Never mind," she cuts him off abruptly, a fake, bright smile on her lips, as she averts her eyes, refusing to look at him. "I'm not very hungry, anyway. I think I'll just get an early night."

Killian doesn't stop, a pleading look on his face.

"Emma-"

"Goodnight," she cuts him off, smiling tightly at Milah once more before turning around and booking it the hell out of there as fast as her legs will carry her with the added burden of her painful ribs.

She ignores the tightening of her throat, the way she gulps, even as she gets back to her room and purposely locks the door behind her as she collapses on her bed, gasping for air (so, maybe, she shouldn't have run, quite so literally). She doesn't realise until it's silent, and she's got her head buried in a pillow and she feels wetness, is that she's allowed a few tears to run down her face.

Stupid, traitorous feelings.

She knew it was a bad idea, to let her guard down slightly, to let someone in. To actually be herself and smile and laugh and have fun. To let herself to feel loved for even the tiniest of moments, to care for someone in return.

Even someone like Killian who was her friend, her friend, and nothing more. Because that's all the were. All they'd ever manage to be, especially now.

Right?

Because it wasn't like she loved him, she did, but she wasn't in love with him. That's impossible because he's a roommate and her best friend. She just doesn't like who he's with which is completely reasonable because she's sort of a bitch. That's all. She just wanted what was best for him which was not Milah Gold.

Not by a long shot.

So, sue her for getting emotional.

Still, she'd blame it on the pain, the physicality of her injuries.

There was no need to believe any different, and so she wouldn't.

* * *

 **so what did you guys think?**

 **love it? hate it?**

 **did you have a favourite part? a favourite line?**

 **let me know in a review, because i'd love to hear from you!**

 **\- shauna! xo**


	5. we were built to fall apart

_**hey, everyone! once again, thank you all for the many likes, reblogs, comments, reviews, and all that great stuff. i'm really enjoying writing this one so i'm happy that you're all liking it so much. i hope you enjoy this next installment.**_

 _ **\- shauna! xo**_

* * *

Quite naturally, as she always does in a situation where she doesn't want to face her emotions, Emma avoids him, which turns out to be quite difficult, considering that they live together and he's barely a door away from her, at night.

She starts getting up early, is out of the house for about 8 when she knows he wakes and she doesn't return while late, when she knows he must be already working. Some days she stays with Ruby or Elsa, even if she has to face their disapproving stares.

Before she starts work again, she spends her time with Ruby and Elsa who are more than happy to see her and spend time with her. But, she knows she's not mistaking the concern in their eyes every time they have a girls night.

One night, they decide to have a few drinks and her phone vibrates every few minutes but she ignores it, plastering a smile on her face, until it drives her insane and she picks it up in frustration.

 **You not in tonight, Swan? I picked up some Thai food, since I know it's your favourite. I thought we could talk? I've barely had the chance to see you for the past two weeks.**

 **Answer me, Swan.**

 **Don't ignore me.**

 **You know I won't stop until you answer.  
**

 **Please, Swan. I just want to talk, since you've been painstakingly ignoring me for days.**

She ignores the stab of guilt that goes through her before she responds.

 _ **Sorry. Girls night. Won't be home tonight.**_

And then she promptly turns her phone on silent, and twists it upside down so she won't be tempted to read any more messages, her lips pressed tightly together as she looks up at the girls.

Elsa's sharp, blue eyes are calculating before they soften.

"Go home, Emma," he instructs.

Emma sighs, heavily, and she briefly thinks about changing the subject, but she knows Ruby won't let her.

"I don't want to."

Ruby smiles also.

"I know," Elsa tells her. "But something's going on between you and that roommate of yours - what I don't know because all you say is that you don't want to talk about it, though, we are very curious-"

"You need to get your shit together," Ruby buts in, rather bluntly but that was Ruby. "Now, before I have to resort to drastic measures."

Emma rolls her eyes but takes the threat for what is is and she stands (feeling much better, now that her ribs are nicely healing - honestly, she barely feels it anymore), giving the two of them a brief hug.

"Drive safely," they both warn, almost simultaneously which freaks Emma out slightly.

She rolls her eyes, muttering a, "Yes, Moms."

She doesn't stay to watch their reaction, driving home eagerly.

Honestly? Her own bed was such a great feeling right now.

No matter how much she didn't want to face Killian.

She knows she'd have to do it eventually, anyway. It might as well be now.

So, when Emma walks through the door to their living room to find Killian in a lip lock with his girlfriend, she's a little shocked, to say the least.

"Emma," Killian stutters as he stands, his hands wiping on his dark jeans. "I thought you weren't coming home tonight."

Emma's arms cross over her chest, giving him a death glare.

"I changed my mind," she bit out. "Thought the Thai food was too much to not agree to."

His lips part as he tries to form words but his mouth closes.

Milah grins, standing also.

"Sorry," she says, not sounding the least bit sorry. "We ate it, all. You should have called. There would have been leftovers for you to have."

Emma has to stop herself right there from growling at the girl, the implied insult more than she can take right now when she was looking forward to a night in with her- with Killian.

"I see," she comments before glancing back at the door, hating the way Killian's eyes dropped to the floor. "I'll just go back to Ruby's then. I believe they were just about to crack open the vodka." Something I desperately need right now, she adds inwardly.

She hears muttering as she reaches for the door before a hand clapses around her wrist and she's spinned around in the kitchen.

"Emma," Killian breathes, a brilliant smile on his lips now. "I'm glad you came back. I've been wanting to talk to you for a few days now and-"

"You really want to do this now?"

He frowns.

"And why not?"

Her eyes are as biting as her tone, "Don't you have a date to get back to?"

His eyebrows furrow together as he takes her in and when he speaks, there is confusion lacing his tone.

"And is that a problem?"

Emma merely bites back the retort she really wants to say.

"Of course not," she grits out. "Now, I'll leave you to it. If you don't mind," she gestures down to the pressure on her wrist but he frowns harder.

"Is that the problem? Is it Milah?"

Does he really have to ask that? Is he not in the same room as the two females? Can he not remember how she'd told him time and time again that he was better than her, that he deserved better than her, the time when they'd talked about Milah when they'd broken up and gone over how awful she could be.

She must hesitate too long because his eyes narrow.

"Is this going to be a problem for us, Emma?" his back straightens slightly and that's when she catches it, Milah slithering her way around his side.

"Baby," she whines and Emma bites back a nasty chuckle, "I'm bored."

Killian seems slightly distracted as he tells her to go back.

"I'll be back shortly," he tells her. "Go ahead."

She purses her red, swollen lips and presses a fairly filthy kiss on his lips and Emma diverts her eyes as he returns it, flickering them up just in time to see Milah shoot her a wink and Killian releases his grip on her arm.

"See you in the morning," she says and Emma reads the implied innuendo in the statement.

She was planning on still being here tomorrow.

Killian's eyes are expectant on hers so she merely bites back a million retorts once more and shoots him a grim smile.

"I guess I'll see you around," she murmurs, somewhat distracted, as she takes a step back.

Killian isn't interested in that though and he steps forward, mirroring her actions.

"Answer the question, love," he requests softly. "Is it her?"

He asks the question like it's his life on the line and now, she's the on that's confused and she sighs, shaking her head slightly.

"What do you want me to say, Killian?" she demands. "You know how I feel about her. You know how she is around me and how I am around her. Do I like her? No. And do I like that she's going to be around here again? No, I do not."

He reaches out to her, hesitantly, but then he drops his arm, like he thinks better of it.

"What do you want me to do?"

He almost seems like he's begging her. Begging for her to tell her what to do and she swear she hears a hint of hopefulness in his tone.

She shrugs.

"That's your business. I'm your roommate, that's it. I don't precisely have any ownership of the people you bring around here. It's your home too," she tells him.

"It's also yours," he encounters. "And if she makes you uncomfortable..."

He trails off, almost in wonder and his fingers close around her wrist, pulling her towards him slightly but that shocks her out of it, pulling herself away from him sharply as she takes a step back.

"It's your decision in what guests you have around," she says finally, her tone firm and she shrugs. "Do whatever you want, but I'm going to go back to Ruby's. Have a bottle of wine or two. Have a nice, relaxing girls night with my friends."

"Okay," he sighs, taking a step backwards (towards his girlfriend, she reminds herself with a pang of emotion) she doesn't want to admit to), and then, hesitantly, "Be careful."

She's almost out of the door when he sighs and she turns around slightly, her eyes pausing on his.

"You're more than my roommate," he finally settles on and her eyes widen slightly. "You're my friend," he says softly, calming the race of her heart.

"Back at you," she sighs.

"So, if this is going to be a problem. Me and Milah together, that is. Maybe we need to talk, figure out what our next steps are."

She rolls her eyes.

"I don't care," she tells him. "Date who you want. Friend or not, that is none of my business. I have no claim over you, just like you have no claim over the people that I associate with."

His eyes darken, if only slightly and he nods.

"Right."

"I'll learn to deal with her," she tells him. "I have done the first few times you've been together. But I can't right now and right now, I just want to get drunk with my friends."

"Okay," he says again, softer this time and his eyes are doing that thing, that intense thing that make her feel like she's the only girl in the room but she's not, she knows that, especially since he has a girl in the next room and it's that thought, that one alone, that has her stiffening. "Have a nice night, Emma."

She barely leaves him with a nod and she can't help but feel like it's going to be different between them now.

It's barely been a few days since he got with her and it already feels like they're breaking up out of their friendship and she hates it.

Forget the never ending nightmares she has of him dying and getting hurt, she's going to end up losing him anyway.

(She thinks she already has, especially if the way Milah smirked at her on the way out was any indication.)

* * *

 **thoughts? feelings?**

 **did you love it? hate it? do you have a favourite part or line?**

 **let me know in a review, or come stop by my tumblr: captnklaroline. i'd love to hear from you!**

 **\- shauna!xo**


	6. your eyes'll lead me straight back home

_**I know I said I'd upload on Sundays, but I'm going to be super busy tomorrow with a few things so I'm not sure that I'll manage to get this one out, so here it is, a few hours early. I'm also not sure if I'll manage an update for next week, though I promise there will be for the week after. I mean I hope I can, but I'm moving in a couple of weeks so I'm going to be busy for a while.**_

 _ **Regardless, I hope you all enjoy this one.**_

 _ **\- Shauna! xo**_

* * *

She is right. Things are different between them for a while.

She barely sees him when she goes back to work, though, she suspects that was the majority on her part as well as his.

She's slowly getting back into the hang of work, after her accident and she's building up her strength, beginning to use her stomach muscles again so she throws in a few sessions at the gym and her ex-boss is even helpful in directing her to a gym instructor.

It doesn't hurt that he's sort of hot. Okay, not sort of, incredibly hot. Like jaw dropping when he walks into a room hot.

Yeah, it didn't hurt at all.

So, when he goes with her to the centre where she can practise her shooting before she goes out and he helps her out with her positioning hugely, his hand guiding her back as she faces the wall, her eyes narrowed in concentration, she's more than surprised when Killian makes an appearance.

Graham tilts her back slightly, straightening her position and then he smiles, a boyish, genuine thing, that creates butterflies in her stomach.

"That's it," he tells her, encouraging. "Go on."

She makes it, straight into the red, middle, hitting the bullseye and she's happy, actually genuinely happy. A giggle bursts through her lips in the midst of her joy because it's been a while since she's shot that good.

She turns around a grin on her lips and she doesn't know why, but suddenly her arms are around her instructor, Graham, and she freezes but then he's hugging her right back, his arms tightening around her so she lets herself be covered by the warmth of him. When she pulls back, she's more than aware that they're both sweaty from the morning at the gym but she doesn't care much and she watches as he grins, his eyes flickering over her face.

His lips part slowly, as he starts to talk.

"Swan."

Her head snaps to the side as she realises they're not alone and that's when she realises.

Killian.

Killian is here.

Killian, who is leaning against a silver pole, his lips pressed tightly together as he gazes back over her and she watches as his eyes dart down to the space or therefore lack of between her and Graham.

Graham must realise it at the same moment she does because he takes a very obvious step back.

"Killian," she muttered. "I didn't know you were going to stop by."

 _And I didn't even know that you knew I was here,_ she adds inwardly.

"Wasn't planning on it," he comments lightly, his eyes darting up to her face. "But I stopped by Granny's and she asked about you, as per usual, and I thought I'd bring you a late lunch. Knowing you, you probably haven't eaten yet and I haven't seen you at _our_ department lately, it seems I keep missing you."

She really hopes she's misjudging the possessive tone in his voice because if not, she's going to have to kick his ass.

Seems she isn't when Graham coughs, dragging her attention back to him, and she feels Killian's narrowed eyes on them even as Graham just gives her a soft, almost reassuring smile.

"Well," he drawls out, slowly. "I'll let you get off," Graham tells her, voice soft and calming. "But I'll meet you tomorrow. The gym, same time?"

She gives him a nod and he shoots her a small smile before he nods at Killian and then he disappears through the door.

Emma glares down at the floor.

Ugh? Really? Just men.

Killian is smiling at her, however, seemingly oblivious.

"How about that lunch, Swan?" he asks, though, he must believe it's rhetorical because he continues, "How about you change and I'll meet you at the car?"

Her back straightens, a light growl on her lips.

"You're so unbelievable," she mutters but she walks away.

Killian's eyebrows furrow.

"What was that?"

She turns around, a glare in her eyes as she looks up at him.

"You heard me," she tells him.

"That I did," he nods. "Maybe I was wondering what you meant by the comment?"

"You don't get to do that," she snarls.

His eyes widen.

"Do what?"

"Act all cavemany like I belong to you because newsflash buddy, I don't. Even if we were together, I would not belong to you. I own me. Not you, not anyone. But we aren't and you have a girlfriend which gives you no right to complain about who I decide to associate with. Remember?"

Her chest starts to rise as she works herself up and she could downright laugh in any other situation at the look on his face as he shakes his head.

"That's not- I didn't-"

"Purposefully be an asshole in front of the man that I'm clearly into?"

His eyes narrow.

"You don't really like him, Swan."

She takes a step forward.

"Oh, don't I?"

His lips press together.

"No." And then, "You're doing this to get back at me," he realises.

She snorts, "Yeah? And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"You hate Milah."

She rolls her eyes but turns her back.

"Very observant, Sherlock."

"So you want me to feel as awkward as you do around my girlfriend," he says, as though everything is finally making sense to him.

"Pretty sure that's impossible," she mutters under her breath as she turns around, her eyebrows raised, waiting and expectant.

She's almost surprised to see him practically mirroring her stance with his eyebrows raised and his arms crossed over his chest.

"If I didn't know any better I'd be inclined to believe that you're jealous, Swan," he tells her slowly, and his arms unwrap slowly as he takes a step forward, his eyes intent on her face.

She snorts even as she feels her heart racing in her chest at the near proximity of him.

"Please," she rolls her eyes.

He bites his lip, a sly grin gracing his lips and he tips his head as he stops not a few centimetres away from her.

"That wasn't exactly a no."

"Wasn't a yes, either," she counters and then here eyes narrow too. "If I didn't know any better, I'd be thinking that _you_ are the one that's jealous."

Her eyes flicker up as she watches his lips press tightly together, his eyes narrowed and she huffs, twirling around impatiently and stalking off in the other direction. Her footsteps are heavy as she marches towards the changing room and she throws the words over her shoulder.

"Maybe you should go."

Her hand pauses on the door knob when she hears him speak up, his voice a low stutter.

"What?"

She still doesn't turn around, just shrugs.

"Go have dinner with Milah-" and really, she can't help the way her lips curl up around the name -"or something. I'm not really in the mood."

"Emma-" he trails off slightly and she grits her teeth.

Can they be done with this already?

She hears footsteps and she's quick to open the door but he's quicker and he's suddenly there, an arm wrapped around her waist and pulling her back until he can turn her around to face him. She sees him, chest puffing and his eyes dark.

"Why?" he demands.

She cocks an eyebrow.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want me to go back to her?"

"I think you need reminding that you have a girlfriend," she tells him, slightly breathless but her tone firm, nonetheless.

He takes a step back and she nods slightly.

"I think you should leave," Emma repeats.

"You want me to leave?" he sounds hurt from his tone and his eyebrows are drawing together and she bites her lip at the look of uncertainty that flashes across his face.

"I just.., think you should," she finishes.

"No, you don't," he says, though his tone is much softer.

Her eyebrows raise higher.

"Oh, don't I?" she snaps, her patience wearing thin. "Then, tell me, oh mighty one, why don't I want you to leave?"

"Because you like me."

She snorts, rolling her eyes.

"Somebody certainly thinks highly of themselves," she mutters.

Killian just shakes his head.

"This isn't about my ego," he protests. "This is about you and the fact that you're terrified of letting anybody in, even me, and we've been friends for years. I'd like to think that we have a good thing going but you-" he sighs, breaking off. "You're just scared - scared of actually feeling something for anyone, like you've begun to feel something for me, I see it every time you look at me, and now you have, you want to distance yourself from me, hide behind those walls of yours that I'd started breaking down from the first moment I met you."

Even she can practically feel her walls building up at his comment, protecting her, as her back straightens suddenly and her eyes form glares at him.

"You're one to talk," she mutters, the comment practically said under her breath.

Killian, however, seems to have heard that, and his back is also straightening, as though he's preparing for a fight.

"And why's that, Swan? Because I can actually form relationships with people, to let people see the real me and not hide behind a facade?"

She lets out a growl beneath her breath as she takes a step towards him.

"No," she says, tone firm though her bottom lip wobbles slightly. "Quite the opposite, Jones," she spits his name out, though, she's not really sure why at this point - she's just more frustrated than anything else and she just wants to be alone, away from him and her feelings that she doesn't appreciate.

"Explain," he demands.

"Please," she scoffs. "There's one specific reason why you're with her."

"And what is that?"

"She doesn't ask for much, and if she does, it's something you can wrap. She doesn't ask to see the real you, to knock down your walls. You're a hypocrite, Jones, because you're scared too." She takes another step towards him, a hand reaching up and her finger prods into his chest. "Do don't you dare speak about me because you're as equally bad for not wanting to let people in. The only reason you're with Milah is because it's casual, whether you want to admit it or not, and I guarantee that I know more about your past than she does, and even I don't know everything."

This time, he's the one rolling his eyes.

"Please, Swan. I've lived with you for long enough, I think you know practically everything there is to know about me."

Emma shrugs.

"I somehow doubt that."

His eyes flash at the comment and then he's the one moving and she gulps, her feet scrambling as she steps back also until she hits the door behind her and she curses under her breath, her eyes flitting up to his, to find his stare, intense on her.

"Killian," she sighs. "Wha-"

"You do know me," he insists, his eyes wide and disbelieving. "You know me better than anyone. You know that. Don't you, Emma?"

She presses her lips together at the mention of her first name. Killian hardly ever calls her Emma.

"If I say yes, can we be done with this conversation and go our separate ways?"

His eyes falter slightly, the blue in them dimming and his lip twist down slightly.

"Is that what you want?" He's hesitant, she knows that from his tone.

She doesn't answer, lets her eyes drop to the floor because really, she honestly doesn't know what she wants. All she knows is that her skin itches every time she sees him with Milah and she really doesn't want to deal with this, right now.

He takes a step back from her and she stays against the wall, his eyes hardening ever so slightly.

"You didn't answer," he accuses and she just lifts her shoulders slightly.

His head tips to the side as he studies her and she still doesn't answer.

"Emma," he pleads, quietly, head twisted down towards her.

"I don't know, okay?" she practically explodes, her hands waving as her head shoots up and his eyes widen, almost comically. "I just don't know, anymore."

"Okay," he says and then he takes another step back. "I should- I should just..."

She swears her heart stutters a little bit in her chest at the reminder that there's probably someone else waiting for him, someone without the baggage that she has and she can feel her gaze harden, as he takes another step back, shuffling his feet together.

"Yeah," she says. "You should."

And her voice so wasn't supposed to crack there.

But, she watches as he walks out of there, his hand stuffed in her pockets and she collapses back in the door at the sight of him walking away from her and just, when did everything, between the two of them, become so complicated? It wasn't supposed to be this way. He was supposed to be her friend, her best friend, and now, now she's not sure what she feels for him.

Everything is just so uncertain.

She's so consumed by her thoughts as she walks into the changing room, her hands clenching around the sink as she looks down, her eyes squeezing shut that she barely feels herself being turned around by a pair of strong hands until she's looking back into a pair of baby blue eyes.

"Killian," she realises as she sighs. "What are yo-"

"I shouldn't have walked away like that," he interrupts, his tone firm. "I shouldn't have just-" he sighs. "I'm sorry."

She raises an eyebrow.

"I'm pretty sure I told you to walk away, Jones. Don't worry about it."

He licks his bottom lip as his eyes flash over her.

"You were right," he says softly.

"Was that ever in question?" she laughs nervously at his close proximity and she gulps as she runs a hand through her blonde locks.

"No," he murmurs and he shakes his head. "But I was right about one thing, also."

"Me?" she guesses and then she shrugs. "Probably, but you also, know me better than anyone else ever has."

He nods and she knows he believes her and then his hand comes up to scratch behind his ear once before his arm drops loosely to his side.

"Is there something you'd like to say..." she trails off, her voice highering in question.

He nods and then his head tilts towards her.

"I don't want to do this anymore," he declares suddenly.

She swears her heart stops as she stares back at him, her eyes wide and her fingernails dig into her palm as her fingers curl in on themselves. He must see something in her expression because his starting again, his voice frantic.

"No, no," he shakes his head. "That's not what I meant, I just-" he breaks himself off, takes a minute to breathe out through his nose and then when he looks back up at her, there's a renewed sense of something in his eyes that she can't quite place and she stares back, his gaze unflinching.

He licks his bottom lip again.

"I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you," the words come out a garbled mess that she can hardly tell them apart.

And then, he kisses her.

* * *

 _ **Whew! There we go with that one. A little bit longer than my usual updates, but I doubt you'll all mind. Right?**_

 _ **Sorry to leave it on a major cliffhanger, like that, and to all of you that are saying that Emma should make Killian work for it, don't you worry. They still have a long way to go before they get their happy ending.**_

 _ **Did you love it, hate it? Did you have a favourite part or line? Let me know what you think in a review, I'd love to hear from you!**_

 _ **\- Shauna.**_


	7. my beating heart wanted more

_**so after all the comments and reviews, i felt really guilty about leaving the last one like that, so i'm managing to update this one quite quickly, and i know i said it would be two weeks for this one but here it is. i'll try to get the next one up for the weekend, but after that it may be a couple of weeks between updates.**_

 _ **anyways, i hope you all like this one.**_

 _ **\- shauna!xo**_

* * *

The first thing she realises is that his lips are soft and pliant beneath hers, her eyes drifting closed as she allows herself to be taken by his kiss, by him, and her nails dig into her palms before she finds them around his neck without her having even realised. Her fingers curl around the hair at the nape of his neck, her fingernails scraping lightly against it and she feels his lips grow more frantic as he releases a moan into her mouth.

One of his arms curls around her waist, pulling her more firmly into him, his hand resting firmly on the bottom of her back, rubbing the bare skin between her shorts and baggy t-shirt and his over hand reaches up to tangle into her blonde curls, pulling her head to the side, and taking control of the kiss, angling her the way he wishes.

She feels his tongue swipe against her lower lip and she briefly feels his teeth nibbling on her lip also, and then she's jolted awake, her eyes flashing open as she rips her lips away from his, leaning back against the sink as her eyes widen and her hand comes up to rest over her lips, her fingers freezing over her face, staring back at him in shock.

Her mouth opens and closes a few times as she watches him, unable to form words and she coughs lightly, her curls framing her face.

"Emma," he whispers, taking a step closer towards her.

Her hand reaches up to rest over his chest, where she swears she can feel his heart racing in his chest.

"Killian-" she breaks off as her voice cracks, and then, "You can't just-"

"What?" he demands. "Do what I've always wanted?" and then he shakes his head, "I'm tired. This-us. Living in a lie, it's exhausting."

She feels herself soften, if only a little, as his hand reaches up to curl around her neck, his thumb rubbing against the soft skin of her cheek and his index finger stroking softly against her blonde curls. She sees a small smile appear itself on his lips and she knows her lips are turning up also.

But, god. This is a mess. She's a mess.

And it's that, his face angling towards her that dips her back into reality. Again. So, she takes a step back until she's pressed firmly against the sinks and she hates herself for the way his face seems to drop but she can't help it. They really ought to talk about this.

"Killian," she sighs. "We can't do this."

His eyebrows draw together.

"And why is that, Swan? Care to enlighten me?"

"For starters," she says slowly, "You're with somebody else and you're essentially cheating on her, right now, which, by the way, is the one thing that you swore never to do and I will not," her lips curl over the word in disdain, "Be your other woman. Never. I'd like to think that I have more dignity than that."

Killian's lips twist up into a smile as he looks back at her, shaking his head, and she swears he seems almost amused.

"I guess it's a good thing we broke up then," he tells her with a half smile.

Her eyes widen.

When they hell did that happen? She swore it hadn't been that long since she'd seen him, after all.

"What?"

His own smile widens at her expression, a chuckle falling from his lips as he shakes his head before he shrugs, a light lift of his shoulders as his face twists, tilting to the side slightly as he studies her.

"We broke up," he repeats.

She glares, a half-hearted thing.

"No, I heard you." And then, "Why?"

He seems to hesitate in answering the question and she regards him with curiosity before he answers, his tone flippant.

"We were never going to be right for each other," he settles on, finally. "I think, a part of me knew that all along. As you said, Swan," he grins, perking up slightly, "She was my fall back option."

She presses her lips together, and lets her hands drop loosely by her sides.

She figures there's more to the story, but he seems to be so closed off, that she lets him have it. For now. He always gave her space when she needed it, and he'd always been there for her, so the least she could do is give him the same curtsey. He'd tell her when he was ready, she knew that.

"So..." she trails off.

"Swan," he grins.

"Hmm?"

"Let me kiss you."

It's not phrased as a question or a request, not really. It's said with a mischievous, flirty grin that she's seen on his lips a million times before and she's barely got time to take notice of it before he's taking a step towards her, closing the space between them and then his lips are coming down on hers once more.

She focusses more on the feeling of his lips this time, takes note of the way his lips are so soft as they move against hers, his tongue coming out to encourage her to open up for him and when she does, his tongue curls around hers and it's glorious, he's glorious. So, she lets herself get lost in him, in the way he makes her feel as his arm winds around her waist while his other buries itself in her curls, and a particular tug has her groaning quietly into his mouth.

He lets out a noise that sounds more inhuman than anything else, but it stirs something within her, regardless, and her own hands are latching around his neck, her fingernails digging into his skin if the hiss he lets out into her mouth is any indication.

This time, he's the one pulling back, and she feels like a mess when he does.

She knows her eyes must be wide, lust reflecting in them and her lips must be red and swollen from his kisses.

"This is a bad idea," she says, when she can breathe, her eyes still wide as they look up at him.

He grins.

"And why's that, Swan?"

"We shouldn't," she avoids answering, doesn't think she has the answers as she shakes her head.

He raises an eyebrow.

"We should," he counters.

"We're roommates," she argues.

He snorts, "And if we were together, I'm certain we'd be living together at some point, or spend the night at each other's house. I'd leave it be, Swan."

She can't, though, that's the thing, and all she can think of are reasons why this won't work, why they won't work and Killian seems to sense that, because he's smiling down at her with such tenderness that she suddenly wants to cry.

She just can't lose him. She didn't think she'd be able to live through it.

"It's going to be fine, Swan," he reassures, as though he can see the thoughts going through her mind.

"You don't know that," she protests.

He smiles, a crooked one that makes him look so young and boyish.

"Yes, I do," he nods. "Because it's you. It's just you and me. It's always been you and me, and we can do this."

Emma's not so sure.

There's so many things running through her mind but the main one, so loud and clear is a small voice, whispering.

What if she isn't good enough?

Killian's not finished though.

"I want you," he declares and then, continues at the look on her face, "Not just in my bed, but I do, also, you must know that by now but I want you, by my side, for as long as you'll have me because I'm more than certain that you're it for me, Emma."

She gulps, tries not to think about his words and what they imply too much as his baby blues stare back down at her.

"You deserve this," he encourages her, his eyes serious. "You deserve so much more than this, than me. You always have, whether you believe that or not."

Her eyebrows furrow at the comment.

More than him?

"But," he sighs, voice hesitant. "Let me show you how much you mean to me? How much I care for you? Because you deserve the world, Emma Swan, and I'd be delighted if I could be the one to deliver it at your feet."

She's breathing slightly heavier at his declaration, and her eyes are wide with emotion as she swallows, gulping loudly.

She decides not to think it through too much.

"Killian?"

"Yes?" he hums.

"I can't..." she sighs, breaking off as she runs a hand through her hair. "I've lost everyone I've ever known. Neal," and is she missing the way his lips curl around in distaste?, "my parents never even wanted to know me. I just- I can't loose you too."

There's so much understanding and comprehension dawning in her eyes that she realises she's not the only one who's lost something too.

"You won't," he tells her, tone firm as he takes another step towards her, his blue eyes more intense than she's seen them. "That I can promise you. Because, Swan? I don't plan on ever letting you go, once I have you."

She feels her lips twist up into a smile.

"I'm pretty sure you've always had me," she tells him.

His smirk is smug when she looks up, and she barely refrains from rolling her eyes.

"Is that so?" he murmurs, his chest pressed against hers and she smiles.

"Killian?"

"Yes, Swan?"

"Kiss me," she orders.

He grins and happily, he obeys, and soon she's engulfed by his lips as he presses her back against the sink. Her legs somehow become wrapped around his waist, the heels of her feet digging into her back and how they got into that position, she's not quite sure, but his very prominent erection is pressing rather pleasurably against her centre, so she's quite certain she doesn't mind.

His lips soon move to her neck, his teeth nibbling and she swears that he's trying to leave a mark, but his tongue is lapping against her skin so she forgives him, and his hand is sliding low on her back until he's palming her ass through her sweats and she groans, her head flying back against the wall.

She feels a chuckle against her neck when her hands reach for his back until she scrapes her nails over his shirt in reply.

She almost stops, thinks they're going too fast, but the sounds he manages to pull out from her, distract her and she finds she doesn't care.

It wasn't fast, after all. It has been a few years in the making, and they've had more than enough foreplay, and she has a feeling that she's not the only one that's been waiting years for this, if the way he was kissing her back was any indication.

All that wasted time...

His hips are grinding into hers and his mouth is frantic against hers as he pulls noises from her and she grins when he groans right back into her. Then, her nails are moving over his chest, the chest hair that he's got on display with the very few buttons that he's actually got fastened and she's tempted, seriously tempted, to undo the rest and demand he fuck her right here but then, in the end it's Killian that stops, pulling away from her neck with a gasp as his hands tighten around her hips.

"We should-" he stutters slightly. "We should, we should stop. Slow down, some."

She agrees, her head nodding but she's not quite sure she can pull away, and in the end, neither can he because he dives back in, his tongue pushing through the seam of her lips and his head tips to the side as his tongue strokes into her mouth, practised and perfect.

In all honesty, she's quite glad when someone comes stumbling into the room. A woman, by the age of sixty if the looks were any indication with her eyes wide before she shakes her head.

"Kids these days," she mutters as she enters one of the cubicles.

Both she and Killian are both laughing, a giggle bursting from her throat as the door slams behind the old woman and her head flies forward to his shoulder as her hand falls over her mouth in an effort to stop and she feels his own chuckle vibrating against her neck and it raises shivers as she pulls back, gulping. She forces herself to look away, staring pointedly at the door that the old woman had disappeared through.

"We should go," Killian is saying when she directs her eyes back up to his, his tone amused and his eyes sparkling in intensity.

She nods once in agreement.

"Yeah," she sighs, "We probably should."

* * *

 _ **whew! and there goes that one...**_

 _ **not too much of a cliffhanger, this time hmm? let me know what you think in a review!**_

 _ **a few people aren't fond of milah, and while i hate that a lot of you are referring to her as a slut or a whore (because i have never indicated that she's slept around), you are not suppose to like her. i promise that from now on that she and killian will not be together, but i cannot promise that you won't see her again.**_

 _ **a few of you think that emma should make him work for it, whilst a few just want to see a happy ending. for a short answer: killian and emma still have a long way to go, but from this chapter onwards, they're definitely going to try.**_


	8. sweet love takes her time

**_so, i wasn't sure if i'd manage to get an update out this week, but i did, so yay! a flashback right to the beginning at the start of this one, so not much happens, but you get to see a bit more into emma's mind and how she's thinking so i hope you all enjoy this one._**

 ** _just a little note since i know a few of you have been asking: this story will contain some smut, hence it's rating, and whilst there isn't any in this chapter, there will be very soon. i will put a warning at the beginning of that chapter incase it isn't your thing, but just to give you a heads up._**

 ** _\- shauna! xo_**

* * *

 _It's been a long day when she decides to go the bar, one that felt like it was never ending when her target never showed up and she was left waiting for hours, just in case he'd be seen. He was a high risk, so she was expecting to be paid some, hence her frustration with the situation._

 _So, when she ventures out to the bar for a few shots, the last person she expects to see is Killian Jones with an expectant, smug look on his face when she strolls towards the bar._

 _"Knew you couldn't resist seeing me again, Swan. Come to arrest me again?"_

 _His eyes are blue, bluer than what she remembers from the few days earlier when she'd met him and it wasn't like she hadn't thought back to that evening. He was attractive, okay? And she wasn't blind, no matter how much of an ass he was._

 _"Asshole," she mutters under her breath as she leans her front against the bar, her eyes hard as she waves down the bartender who, much to her pleasure, comes to her rescue with a peaceful smile._

 _(Maybe she did come here too often.)_

 _"Emma," Steven, the bartender grins at her. "What'll it be?"_

 _She shoots him a firm smile, very aware of Killian's eyes on her._

 _"The usual," she tells him, tone gruff and she's thankful when he immediately goes to work and a glass is shoved in front of her a few moments later._

 _She downs it on one and slams the glass back down on the table, afterwards, still gulping as she breathes heavily, trying to ignore his eyes that are following her. She feels his arm brush against hers, then, before she hears the sound of a chair scraping as he moves closer and she grits her teeth._

 _Rolling her eyes, she turns sideways, with an unpleasant comment on her lip when she practically stumbles into him._

 _(He'd got close so suddenly, hadn't he?)_

 _His hands grip onto her shoulders to steady her and her eyes flash upwards in response until they lock with his. She gulps as she catches the intensity swirling around in his blue orbs and she steps back unsteadily in her heels._

 _"Easy, Swan," he grins, a light-hearted chuckle escaping him. "Had enough already?"_

 _Her eyes narrow, taking the comment as a challenge._

 _"Not nearly enough," she mutters, waving Steven down once more._

 _He's settled back into the seat by the time she sits down herself and she crosses her legs, her hands resting on the bar top as she twirls in the chair, until she's angled towards him. God knows why._

 _Something to do with those blue eyes, she'd guess if she'd have to. They made her want to do all sorts, like spill her life story and that was completely unacceptable. There was just something so honest and open about his eyes that made her insides soften, if only slightly._

 _Her lips are pressed together as her ankle tucks itself behind her opposite leg and she watches him gulp loudly when the movement raises her dress slightly, exposing more of her skin. She smirks as he seems to shift uncomfortable, her lips widening when his eyes flash back up to hers, an expectant look waiting on her face._

 _"And I thought you were a gentleman," she mutters._

 _He seems to come back to his usual (or as far as she knows), confident and cocky self, an eyebrow raising._

 _"I'm always a gentleman," he grins._

 _She snorts, rolling her eyes._

 _Yeah. Right._

 _"But I suspect you don't want a gentleman, love," he says, his voice soft as though he fears the comment will scare her off._

 _(She doesn't scare that easily)_

 _Something suddenly comes to her, though, and she turns to him._

 _"Not your love," she declares suddenly, her eyes narrowing as the nickname dawns on her._

 _He sighs heavily, resting back in the chair and this time, he's the one with the expectant look._

 _She can't help it, either, she has to follow the bait and so, she's the one asking, "Why's that?"_

 _He perks up, his eyes bright and his head tips to the side._

 _"Call it a hunch," he murmurs. "You're something of an open book."_

 _Her eyes harden in response and her jaw clenches tightly as her teeth grind together but she stays sat, though her stance is more rigid._

 _"Is that so?" she grinds out, her voice rising slightly in question._

 _He hums lightly, his eyes calculating as he observes her._

 _"You just started a new job," he begins. "You wanted something that got the adrenaline running, that makes you motivated and allows you to be in control of your own fate."_

 _"That's not being observant," she accuses. "That's eavesdropping," she mutters, thinking back to when she'd agreed to a drink with him before and she'd bumped into Steve, right before he'd asked her how the new job was going, chuckling when she scowled in response and looked at Killian purposefully._

 _"Maybe," he tells her, his shoulders shrugging. "But you've come to like the job, haven't you? Or you are at least content with it isn't because you want to be in control of your life, but it's because you don't have to rely on anyone, you work alone. And that's it for you, Swan. You don't like having to rely on anyone else." He seems to pause slightly, his body betraying his hesitance before he adds, "You don't want to take the chance that somebody else will abandon you."_

 _He must sense she's ready to leave even before she stands up, because there's a knowing look in his eyes, when she grits her teeth._

 _Downing her glass in one, once more, she slams it down on the table._

 _"Well," Emma drawls, flipping her blonde curls over her shoulder. "This has been a fun evening and all but I think it's by time we said goodnight."_

 _She goes to move, one heel clacking on the floor before she hears him speak again, and she feels his hand curve around her elbow, pausing her movements. She grits her teeth but she pauses, even if for a few moments to hear him out._

 _"I use to work at a children's care home," he says, voice purposefully light but his voice quick nevertheless as he looks up at her, and she sighs, her eyes focussing on the bar. "They all use to have the same look that you have in your eyes. The look you get when you're been left alone too long. I'd be willing to bet you were one of them, so many years ago."_

 _His tone is soft, almost focused and reminiscent. Her lips press together, as she listens, her hand curls around the bar top and her fingernails scrape over it lightly._

 _It makes her think back to her own experiences, though, they aren't very positive memories and she hardens her glaze, her glare turning to her feet as she shakes her head lightly, as though to wish those times away. She honestly didn't need to deal with that, too, right now._

 _He is right, though. That she cannot deny._

 _"You're scared," he says, and his hands are fisted together on his lap. "Scared of yourself, of what you know you're capable of feeling but you're too afraid to let yourself. You don't want to give somebody that power to hurt you again."_

 _Her eyes narrow._

 _"You don't know that."_

 _He shrugs again, and his eyes are bright with what she'd register as concern, were it anybody else. They almost felt like they were full of pity._

 _"An orphan's an orphan," he says, and there's a look, something in his eyes, that tells her that the reason he knows this isn't anything to do with the volunteering he once did._

 _Though she wants to run, as far as she possible can from this man and his truthful, blue eyes, she's curious at the emotion she finds in them, something like hurt._

 _"You'd know," she retorts instead, her eyes narrowing as she comes to the conclusion that she isn't the only one in this bar that's been abandoned._

 _She's defensive, she knows that. She's always been that way and she's not going to change now because some hot guy shows up into her life and spills some truth bombs._

 _"Aye," he sighs. "That I do."_

 _Then, "We're kindred spirits. You and I, Swan."_

 _And she can't find it in her to disagree, so she sits back down when he offers her a drink in an outstretched arm, a peaceful smile pulling at his lips._

 _"Fine," she rolls her eyes. "You're lucky I like it here," she adds._

 _He snorts._

 _"Okay, Swan," he grins. "We'll both pretend that's the only reason you're staying."_

 _She doesn't dignify that with a response and she closes her fingers around the offered glass as she settles back into the chair with a sigh, watching as he waves down another bartender. There's a smug look on his face when he's got a glass of rum in his hand and his eyes flash back to hers, she lets her lips twist up into a smile, genuine but small._

 _That smile is still on his face when he holds his glass out to knock against hers until she does the same._

 _"Kindred spirits," he repeats, his tone soft as their glasses knock into each other's._

 _She just smiles back as her fingers tighten around the glass, to keep her hands from doing something stupid like reaching out to tangle in his hair and yank his lips down to hers, to feel him pressed against her._

 _(She still thinks he's an ass, though. No matter how kissable his red lips look, and how great and soft they'd feel pressed against hers.)_

When she blinks up at him, coming back to herself and out of her memories, he's got a soft smile on his face as he helps her legs settle unsteadily back onto the floor, as he takes a step back but she looks down when she feels pressure on her hand to find his fingers weaving through hers and she beams up at him in response, biting her lip.

It's unknown territory to her but she can't deny that she likes it, if it's the two of them.

(She's certain she could get use to the intimacy of it, if given time, and she has a feeling she will.)

"Come on," he says, a childish smile on his lips, as he tugs on her hand. "Let's go home."

That's foreign to her also. Home. But she loves it all the same. She's also quite sure that she's halfway in love with him, too. She always has been, if she's honest with herself. She thinks she has for years, and it's time to stop running away.

"Okay," she sighs, as she stumbles next to him. "Home," she repeats, feeling her insides warm at the fuzzy look on his face as she allows him to drag her out of the building, until they reach his black car a few yards away.

It was a good thing they were interrupted, she has to remind herself as Killian walks them towards his car, having to fight herself from reaching out to touch him and biting her lip to stop herself from demanding he has his way with her, on the nearest surface possible. They'd lasted this long through their attraction, after all. They deserved something good.

They weren't teenagers, after all, they could control themselves. Or, at least wait until they weren't in a public bathroom. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to wait too long. They'd taken their time getting here after all, who were they to waste any more time so uselessly?

(He may be a great kisser but he's still an ass, though.)

(And she has plans to figure out what else he is good at, in due time, because she's determined on giving him a chance now, on giving them a chance, because she loves him, that much she's sure of, and she wants to make sure he knows that.)

And if the way he looks at her, as his arm wraps tightly around her waist, as he guides them towards the car, she's quite sure he loves her too.

For once, it doesn't scare her, and she lets her lips twist up, as she smiles back at him, her jade eyes soft. His fingers wrap around hers, and she smiles against him, when he pulls her tightly against him to bring her in for a kiss. Her hands reach up to wrap around his neck, and she feels his own arms wrap around her waist, his left hand slotting into the back pocket of her jeans, as he pulls her more firmly into him.

In a move too quick for her to register, he suddenly twists around and has her pressed against the side of his car. She groans, in response to the rough movement, though she presses forward against him.

She sighs into his mouth, when he deepens the kiss, and his tongue flicks out against her bottom lip. She grins, as she slowly pulls away, and her smile widens once more when he chases her lips. He lets out another little breathy sigh that drives her mad, before he presses his forehead against hers. His head twists slightly, and she smiles as he presses a soft, lingering kiss against the skin on her cheek.

(God, he was such an adorable idiot.)

She swears she feels him pressing words against her cheek, but she gulps and lets it go, as she pulls away from him slightly, with a genuine smile on her lips.

"Come on, Jones," she tells him, as she reaches down to pull on his hand, interlocking their hand, as she pulls him even closer to him. "Let's go home," she repeats once more.

The smile he shoots her could light up the whole city, and she feels her insides tingling.

"Home," he grins.

* * *

 _ **so, what did you all think?**_

 _ **love it? hate it?**_

 _ **did you have a favourite part or a favourite line?**_

 _ **let me know in a review, i'd love to hear back from you! comments give me inspiration and encourage me to write quicker.**_

 _ **\- shauna! xo**_


	9. i need you now

_**so, i wasn't going to update til the weekend, but i'm actually moving on saturday. ugh. and i also found out that it's harder to get the internet where i'm moving to, and so, i won't be able to have it for a couple of weeks, so i have it until this friday, but after that, i won't have wifi until after september 2nd, so an update will be after then.**_

 _ **anyways, i hope you all like this one. some smutty goodness, as promised.**_

 _ **\- shauna! xo**_

* * *

Emma had worked very hard to keep her hands to herself, the entire time that they'd been driving home. She had bit her lip, kept her hands firmly on her knees as her fingers had entwined with each other and she had kept her eyes firmly on the road ahead as Killian had drove.

She'd felt his eyes flicker over to hers, ever now and again, however, and she'd gritted her teeth, when his hand went to the gear stick and one of his fingers had brushed against her thigh.

Was he trying to kill her?

She'd gone over it in her head, for what felt like a million times that she wasn't going to have sex with him tonight.

They were going to talk about where they were headed, no matter how much she dreaded the thought because they lived together, so it was complicated enough. They both needed to know what they were to each other, even if he had clearly stated what he wanted. It still made her insides tingle to think about the kiss that he'd given her and she still felt soft, when she thought about his feelings that he had declared.

It feels like forever, while they're driving back and it's once, just once as the car is slowing to a stop as they reach their apartment, that her head turns to the side so that her eyes can catch his. And god, she's stupid.

One minute she's in her seat and the next, she's straddling him in his and who knows how she did it. There wasn't exactly much room in the car, but suddenly, the vehicle is filled with moans and groans as he thrusts up against her clothed heat as she grinds back down against him.

His lips are fused with hers almost immediately and his teeth dig into her lower lip until she lets up, her mouth opening as his tongue prises itself into the wet cave of her mouth, his tongue curving around hers. She groans into his mouth at the feeling of him, hard and waiting, beneath her and then again, when she feels him bucking up against her.

His lips turn frantic against hers when her fingers curl around the gap in his shirt, the tips of her fingers stroking his chest hair that he always seems to have on display. His hips mimic the pattern of his lips, and she hears the animalistic growl he lets out against her, sending vibrations down her spine as she trembles against him.

Her hand moves for his neck, one tangling in his brown locks at the nape of his neck and yanking slightly until his head tips to the side on a groan, and she slows down the movement of his lip until she's pressing one last, chaste kiss to his lips. She reluctantly pulls away and Emma smiles as he chases her lips, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth once more in a lingering kiss.

He leans forward as she leans back and a giggle escapes her when his breath comes out in pants against her, tickling her chin. When her eyes open and they catch his, they're bright and she grins at how dark his eyes are, dilated in lust. His head tips, his forehead pressing against hers and she feels his lips spread out into a grin, as he goes for her lips once more.

"Killian," she mumbles, even as his lips aim for her neck.

"Hmm," he hums against her neck, his lips moving softly against her skin.

His teeth dig in as he nibbles on her neck softly, and she looses track of her focus, her head tipping to the side and encouraging him.

"Killian," she sighs, but this time, it's softer, more like a moan, and she feels his lips twist up into a smile against her neck.

"Yes, love?"

The words are breathed out against her, and it sends pleasurable shivers down her spine that she almost loses her track of focus. One of her hands move to grip onto his hair roughly, while the other curls around his shoulder. One of Killian's arms curls around her waist so he can pull her more firmly against him until their chests are pressed tightly together and he's got better access to her skin.

"We should-" she breaks off, as his lips trail kisses over her jaw bone and then his teeth are nibbling onto her earlobe.

Her dress is rumpled up against her thighs, almost of all her legs on display and her black thong peaking through as she begins rocking her hips against his, her movements rough, needy and full of pure wanting.

"We should," she sighs. "We should really go inside."

He hums against her again but makes no immediate move.

"We should-" she breaks off again, when his covered erection presses against her. "We really should find a bed."

He pulls back and his eyes have darkened even further.

"Soon," he promises, his voice full of sin before his lips are back on hers, soft and moving against hers.

But damn him, he feels too good to move. Especially when his hand is rubbing up against her bare back, beneath her shirt and travelling underneath her bra until he can undo the strap. Before she knows it, her strapless dress is shoved far enough down, with her bra, and his lips are closing around a nipple, his hand coming up to palm the neglected breast.

She's left groaning against him, and she whimpers at the feeling of his hands as his left one travels up her thigh, until he can tug up her dress completely. Her dress is hiked around her waist and in the next second, her thong is pressed to the side as he presses a digit into her wet, welcoming heat.

"God," he groans, against her breast before his head snaps up and she clenches around his fingers at the lust she finds there. "God, sweetheart," he groans throatily. "You feel magnificent. So wet and hot, all for me," he mumbles.

She'd punch him for his possessive tone in any other circumstances but he's suddenly driving another digit into her and then she's groaning again, her head tipping backwards. Her hair tickles the backs of her thighs as his fingers scissor roughly inside of her and her fingernails are sharp, digging into his shoulders.

"Christ," he lets out, his eyes intent on her face. "But you're glorious. And tight."

She whimpers her agreement, but then his thumb is on her clit, and she's almost there, teetering on the edge. His thumb traces light circles over her in repeated motions and she's already clenching around his fingers, her groans echoing in her own ears.

"That's it," he breathes into her ear as his tongue swipes behind her ear. "You're close aren't you?" he asks knowingly, not needing her nod before he continues. "Lovely. You're so lovely right before you come, Emma," he's telling her, though she's not sure she registers it all. "But I'd like to see you come, I think. Now."

Her hips are rising and falling as she grinds against his hand and she shifts her hips slightly, until she finds that spot. That spot that suddenly makes her see stars and her eyes are clenching closed, Killian's arm behind her back helping her grind against him, and she vaguely registers his erection pressing against her thigh.

"So wet," he hisses, his voice loud in her ear. "And you're gonna feel so good wrapped around me, love. But first, you're going to come for me. So come for me, Emma," he demands.

She's helpless to obey, her hips stilling against his when she tightens around his fingers once more with a loud groan of "Killian", which echoes in her own ears so she can't imagine how loud she screamed his name before she moves forward, collapsing against his chest in a sweaty heap.

His fingers are slow as he brings her down before he removes them altogether and she whimpers slightly at the loss, which he smirks at, his head tipping against her forehead as his lips press into her hair.

Her breathings barely back to normal when she hears him speak.

"Maybe you were onto something with that bed idea, Swan..."

She growls, though it comes out a breathy mess, and she pulls back, settling back on his knees with a raised eyebrow.

"You don't say," she huffs.

"So grumpy," he comments. "Even after I pulled those delightful little noises from your lips. A man lesser than myself could take that as a blow to the ego."

She rolls her eyes.

"I think your ego could take an insult or two. It could even be beneficial for you."

"Rude," he retorts.

She grins, as his arm tightens around her waist, his own smile staring back at her.

"You love it."

He nods seriously.

"That I do," he tells her, and she manages a smile. "But we should go inside now."

"Give a girl a minute, Jones," she mutters.

His eyes are bright in mischief as they gleam at her.

"Have I tired you out, my lovely Swan?"

She snorts.

"I assure you it takes more than that," she mutters, cursing inwardly when she feels a heat on her cheeks.

He's not entirely wrong, however. She is a little bit exhausted.

"Does it?" He smirks.

She glares.

"You are a grumpy lover. Aren't you? Even after I made you scream my name so loud," he murmurs, though his voice is full of wonder, as his eyes gleam up at her.

She rolls her eyes.

"No one likes a gloater, Killian," she reminds him.

He raises an eyebrow but replies anyway.

"I'll keep that in mind," he reassures her and then, "But I firmly hope that you aren't too exhausted just yet, love."

She smirks, "As I said, Jones. It'll take a lot more than one round to tire me out."

"Good," he comments, a sly grin on his face. "Because I have plans for you yet."

"Do you?" she murmurs, more of a wondrous thought than a question, and her hands travel down his chest, until it rests on his belt buckle. "I can't wait."

The receiving groan she gets makes her bite her lip and the heated look he sends her is enough to have her wanting him once more.

Her head tips to the side as the look she receives is enough to have her wet and wanting once more, his eyes following her movements. She slides forwards, creating a delicious friction against his cock as her head tips to the side until she's on her knees, knelt over him.

"Likewise," she tells him, a sinful smirk on her lips. "Because I intend to see if you're refractory period is as good as mine."

There's a comment on his lips, she knows there is but her hand is suddenly on the bulge between his legs, so it's lost on his lips. His eyes widen slightly and he lets out a quiet, restrained groan. Her thumb presses against the skin that's exposed when his head thumbs back against the head rest and his shirt rides up.

Her lips go for his neck, trailing a ray of kisses to his ear, and then her breathing is coming out in pants against him.

"And I severely intend to take advantage," she whispers, her voice intentionally seductive.

She lets her fingers brush over him once last time, before she's withdrawing from him, settling back against his knees as she goes about making herself decent. She reaches behind her to fasten her bra, her chest jutting out more dramatically then is needed and she can almost hear Killian's teeth clenching together in the small space of the car.

There's an expectant smirk on her lips when her eyes catch his again, as she shimmies on his lap to press her dress back up to cover her chest. She was right, his eyes are dark and his jaw is clenched tightly in control.

"I guess you'll have to wait and see what I have in store for you tonight, love," Killian murmurs. "Because I don't intend to stop until your legs are shaking and the neighbors know my name."

(She seriously hopes he does, because the whole idea of waiting has long since gone out the window.)

(Not that she minds, if what she'd already experienced was any indication, and honestly, she was sick of waiting. They have had years of foreplay, after all. Haven't they? And they deserve something great.)

* * *

 ** _so what did you guys think? let me know in a review, i'd love to hear from you!_**

 ** _or come stop by my tumblr at emmascaptn._**

 ** _\- shauna! xo_**


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